Seventy-five million years ago, the Church of Scientology teaches, a galactic overlord named Xenu — dictator of an untold number of planets — flew his people to earth on board spaceships that looked exactly like DC-8 jets.
No word on how the great galactic overlord so presciently predicted what the first jet airliner from the Douglas Aircraft Company would look like — or did they copy it from him? — but, no matter.
Apparently, in an ensuing kerfuffle, Xenu was imprisoned by the beings. But, in doing so, evil spirits named thetans were released and now occupy our bodies, or something. I can’t really do the whole piffle by explaining it in adumbrated form — and, in fairness, L. Ron Hubbard wasn’t much better at explaining it, either.
However, either Xenu was taking the day off or is still kind of ticked off about being imprisoned by the beings he brought to earth — because the organization that believes they were brought here aboard DC-8s that could travel intergalactically 75 million years before the actual DC-8 flew couldn’t keep a parade balloon afloat in the Hollywood Christmas Parade in Los Angeles.
According to the Scientology Newsroom, the Hollywood Christmas Parade was to be the annual kickoff of the Church of Scientology’s “Winter Wonderland” display, “designed to replicate the ambiance of an old-fashioned Hollywood set.”
“L. Ron Hubbard began the tradition in 1983 when he first presented the gift of a tree and Winter Wonderland, surrounded by a forest of evergreens, to the Hollywood community,” the article notes.
“The annual tradition has continued ever since and has provided joy to tens of thousands of children and their families. The Winter Wonderland banner carries Mr. Hubbard’s timeless and universal message: ‘On the day when we can fully trust each other, there will be peace on Earth.’”
And presumably, lots of DC-8s. Anyway, the winterland set was supposed to open on Dec. 1, which was “the night of the Hollywood Christmas Parade, and will provide a unique photo opportunity for families through Christmas Day.”
Oh, it provided a “unique photo opportunity,” all right — although not one the church probably desired.
Is Scientology not just a false religion but an evil religion?
Amid a series of protests along the streets as the balloon traveled its path, the fake church’s inflatable idol ended up eating pavement thanks to deflation and/or other issues.
The Hollywood Christmas Parade took an unexpected turn when the Scientology float collapsed along the route. Protesters trailing the float shouted, ‘It’s a cult,’ as the drama deflated. pic.twitter.com/QzcwWBzPvO
— Los Angeles Magazine (@LAmag) December 7, 2024
A longer video of the interaction shows that the balloon was initially upright and doing its job — whatever that might have been — while protesters walked alongside with signs saying that the religion was a cult and brainwashed children. Which, I mean, if you don’t know that, you’re either willfully blind and/or negotiating a huge sum to film a sequel to “Days of Thunder” at the moment.
So, that’s how it started. And this is how it ended:
Scientology L. Ron Hubbard float collapsed on Sunset Blvd pic.twitter.com/YCbiEcjJmY
— Eric Levai (@ericlevai) December 2, 2024
And then there was this man, who mocked the spectacle mercelessly:
@scientology_auditHelping out with the L Ron Hubbard float.♬ original sound – StreetsLA
Fitting. Now, to be fair, some defended it, saying that the balloon carriers “brought it down to go under the street lights,” while the original reporter said it fell over several times on the parade route.
It fell over several times
— Eric Levai (@ericlevai) December 2, 2024
Even if true, that’s still not particularly exculpatory. What does it say about a slapdash religion put together out of sci-fi tropes that can be easily debunked when it doesn’t even put enough thought into its float that it can fit under the streetlights along the parade route? That’s sort of a bare minimum when it comes to planning — something the Church of Scientology didn’t even take into account.
Just like they can’t explain how DC-8s flew through space 75 million years ago. Whichever way, the metaphor couldn’t be more perfect if they tried. Remember how Elijah mocked the prophets of Baal and asked them if he had left them to go to the bathroom? Apparently, Xenu did the same thing in Hollywood.
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